What is this so called recovery that feels like numbness across every inch of me? Good or bad, the moments were always so intense and full. Now that I've believed in this cure, I just salute my soul while it empties everything within it, little by little.
How can I accept the existence of this sickness if I cannot understand the cure for it? But how can I forgive my self, if I do not accept that it has been here, and oh god I knew it was here. I remember the countless nightmares occuring both through the day and night. I recall the only light being the path that led to a bigger destruction. The biggest destruction. Still, I was so naive and dumb as to give promises and contracts, that were always hiding deviously beside me, waiting to explode and tear anything that dared to look at another direction.
And when the time came, the time when the eyes broke free and were able to examine everything without limits, not only did the vows attack, but I was also doomed to falling forever and alone, because I had lost the only person that I truly relied on.
No matter how hideous the past year has been, I was never fully honest to anyone about my worst nightmares and fears, except for that one person. And how nice it was back then when I would slowly start shaping the fluid dreads with him and his help, and sharing the life and the experiences, and how bad it was that I did not understand that it would probably not last forever.
How can I look into your eyes again when you ask me not to walk away, and beg me to stay because I'm the only thing left in you. I know that once I said the same thing, and felt the same. I remember clearly how it feels to be so lost and traumatised that the only thing you can rely on is a certain being.
I remember how hard it is. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't care if apologies cannot reach anyone's ear anymore, I still am sorry, and I still hate this life and its stupid conditions and I still love this philosophical and idealistic idea that I could see in you.
But that is not enough. Hating mother nature is not enough, like loving you is not enough.
Or maybe it is enough.
Maybe it is more than enough. Maybe it is so much that I am not able to handle it anymore. Maybe I'm so weak that I am giving up on everything just because my heart couldn't be bigger.
How can I accept the existence of this sickness if I cannot understand the cure for it? But how can I forgive my self, if I do not accept that it has been here, and oh god I knew it was here. I remember the countless nightmares occuring both through the day and night. I recall the only light being the path that led to a bigger destruction. The biggest destruction. Still, I was so naive and dumb as to give promises and contracts, that were always hiding deviously beside me, waiting to explode and tear anything that dared to look at another direction.
And when the time came, the time when the eyes broke free and were able to examine everything without limits, not only did the vows attack, but I was also doomed to falling forever and alone, because I had lost the only person that I truly relied on.
No matter how hideous the past year has been, I was never fully honest to anyone about my worst nightmares and fears, except for that one person. And how nice it was back then when I would slowly start shaping the fluid dreads with him and his help, and sharing the life and the experiences, and how bad it was that I did not understand that it would probably not last forever.
How can I look into your eyes again when you ask me not to walk away, and beg me to stay because I'm the only thing left in you. I know that once I said the same thing, and felt the same. I remember clearly how it feels to be so lost and traumatised that the only thing you can rely on is a certain being.
I remember how hard it is. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't care if apologies cannot reach anyone's ear anymore, I still am sorry, and I still hate this life and its stupid conditions and I still love this philosophical and idealistic idea that I could see in you.
But that is not enough. Hating mother nature is not enough, like loving you is not enough.
Or maybe it is enough.
Maybe it is more than enough. Maybe it is so much that I am not able to handle it anymore. Maybe I'm so weak that I am giving up on everything just because my heart couldn't be bigger.
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