Hasn't it been a countdown? Haven't we lost everything yet? Do I still have something to wish for, or has it all been scattered away by tears? I've wished for so much. So much. I know why. I'm a coward that's why. I've spent hours wishing in gods I don't believe in and praying for things I'm not even sure I want.
When will I start feeling purely nice in these arms too? I wonder if my mother's ever been right about me being rude to people and becoming disliked. I've come to realise, though, right now, that the closer someone comes to me, the most this tendency arises.
I can love. I can love unconditionally, and easily. I can act kindly and excuse any kind of behaviour. I don't have a problem with that, on the contrary I believe it to be something good and beneficial to me. However, the past years it's always been one sided. Nobody ever loved me back this way. Many people liked me, and appreciated me, but not love.
I understand, now, that this savage and despised feeling of hatred only finds ground when two hearts are deeply connected. When two minds open their doors and show their vulnerabilities. Only then.
Maybe that is why I've become so extreme in my reactions. Maybe that's why, now everytime I cut my skin I don't even have to try to make deep and non stop bleeding wounds. It's not just a way to stay connected with the idea of death, anymore, it is a screaming and thirsty need.
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