wait

i wait. i've waited. i've been waiting.

I've been waiting for death, for salvation, for a way out. But they are all lies. Lies told by the ones around me and by my own self too.

I've been waiting to be able to genuinely being able to smile again. And to some extend, it has been achieved, but nobody ever warned me about the aftermath of it. Even if there is temporary happiness, there is a more deeply permanent and vivid sadness, that completely manages to wreck everything.

I've been waiting for this so called happiness, that makes everybody ok once they've felt it. But it is even worse now that i thought i could have it, but i was denied of it so harshly, and now i crave it even more.

So weird, to have to adapt to these conditions once again. So weird to be wishing for death, instead of happiness, again. I've learnt my lesson, and I'm not seeking the latter, any more. It is so cruel, gives hopes and a sense of life, only to just throw me in the same things again, but now it hurts even more.

I hoped for someone. I hoped for myself. I hoped for the two of us together. I hoped for a future. I hoped for a life. I dreamed about a life in which i don't feel pain. Instead, I just lay and feel numb. I don't wanna feel happy, numb is fine.